my mum was no mother

The older I get, the more I find myself being so completely devastated by my mother's actions and choices regarding me when I was little.
I find myself repeating the things she has said to me over and over in my head ... the little things that cut so deep.
In a way, I have much more anger and resentment for her (and my grandmother) than I have ever had for my abuser (my grandfather).
I guess this is because I am always seeing and experiencing 'comparissons' with my own daughters.
I can only ask myself why?? how?? what the fuck??
It is so hard to get my head around her .... she just handed me over to my abuser (her father) and I know now how likely it is that she was abused too.
She gave me to them knowing I would be abused. Her precious baby girl? she didn't care - she never cared.

At the time, I told myself she didn't know what was happenning ... but there came a point when there was no denying it .... when I was 11, 12, 13 - holding hands with him, kissing and touching in front of her??? she never said or did anything - except call me a slut!!
And yet, I tried so hard after my abuse was finally over to have some kind of relationship with her. I thought I could forgive her and try to move forward after my grandfather died and the threat of abuse died with him - but she made it impossible to do.
I remember one time we had a conversation about me running away to live with my father at 14 (when I finally put an end to my abuse) - she said to me 'but why did you have to go theeeerrrree for??'
She couldn't believe that I would make her so upset by choosing my father over her ??? I never even lived with her - she knew i was being abused - she knew I was giving up on life because I couldn't handle the abuse any longer - and yet, she would have rathered I stay than to live with my father!!
What a fucking nut case.
But still I tried to have a relationship with her. For years I continued to give her chance after chance - inviting her for dinner and she wouldn't show up. Going to visit her only to hear her whine and complain about how my choices affected her and my grandparents.
Even when I fell pregnant with my first daughter, I tried to connect with her - thinking of the opportunity she could have to make up for lost time by becoming a great grandparent to my child.
YEAH RIGHT!!!!
She didn't even turn up to my baby shower - my own mother - dogged me on the most important event of my life up to that point in time.
It was around this time that I started to realise that she would never meet my expectations.
She would never be the 'mum' I wanted her to be.
I was still polite and respectful - although looking back I wish I had told her exactly what was on my mind.
Then came the day my daughter was born... then the day after that and the day after that. She finally turned up almost a week late (I was still in hospital because I had pre-eclampsia). She didn't bring a card or present, she didn't say anything touching or loving to me or the baby. She only held the baby because I wanted to get a photo of them together.
She left after about 1/2 hour and I was heartbroken (again). But I believed that maybe she had seen the need to make an effort. I was ssooooooo wrong!!
About 6 months later, I got a message on my phone from her - complaining that I hadn't taken the baby to see her or my grandmother yet??
My husband finally snapped - after watching me torment myself with her bullshit for the last 6 years. He called her imeadiately and gave her a real serving. He told her she could step up or fuck off. She asked if she could come over that weekend to talk about things and see the baby, so we organised a bbq and I was actually excited at her sudden change of heart.
At 10pm the night before our bbq day - she sent another message to my phone. It said: I want to see you and my grandchild, but i can not accept the way your husband has treated me. I won't be coming over, and i wont be contacting you again. Good bye forever.

It was the last time I heard from her - it is finally over and years have passed now. I don't miss her anymore - but i still think about all the things that she has said and done over the years. I look at my own children, and I hold them just that little bit tighter. My girls have a MUM who loves them more than anything in the world. They have the mother that I never had. xxxxx