Never free

A passing thought, a simple word,

the hardest thing I ever heard.

How come the words are hard to hear?

A burning sensation in my ear.

You said it once apon a time,

the words for only you and I.

you made up words for us to use,

and now they leave me all confused.

It hurts my head to hear these things,

the words are spoken, alarm bells ring.

Ice cream, soda, cherry pie,

All these words are little lies.

The memories are so ingrained,

the triggers leave me feeling drained.

Why did you play these games with me?

and now my mind is never free.

Never free.

Voices

Standing still, but time is racing,

Lots of backwards forwards pacing.

Noise and clutter, sound waves pumping,

Receiving now, my heart is thumping.

Messages from higher powers,

Have me captivated for hours.

Sending information through,

The words have never been so true.

Telling me when things aren’t right,

Taunting me – all day, all night.

Trusting them beyond any other,

For all the truths that they uncover.

Twisting, turning, I feel so crazy,

It makes my present feel so hazy.

Break the silence, give me more,

I need you here, just like before.

Come back now – no, go away,

So used to what you’ve got to say.

I need you here, but want you gone,

Without you hours seem so long.

I promise not to tell a soul,

Keeping the silence is our main goal.

The things we know, they give us power,

We’re getting stronger by the hour.

Hush now, you must let me be,

I’ll get back to my family.

They need me too, they’re just as strong,

Calling me back when I stay too long.

I need to find a way to breathe,

I want you, but you have to leave.

Just for a second, let me be,

I need to know, I want to be free.

But then the time begins to fly,

These meds have got me feeling high.

Back to voices, one, two, three,

Now all my thoughts are back with me.

Shelter Me

Shelter me, for I am lost,

Amid the noise and pain.

The meds work for a little while,

But then they’re back again.

Just a little louder now,

Than they were before.

Back with a purpose,

And always wanting more.

The days just seem to come and go,

These voices cloud my vision.

They’re always there, and haunting me,

A part of every decision.

What will it take for them to go?

How do I make them leave?

They’ve infiltrated all my thoughts,

And changed what I believe.

Just a little louder now,

They come in with such force.

They’re unrelenting in their ways,

With no sense of remorse.

I have to find a way to deal,

With voices every day.

To hear them and to live my life?

There are no words to say.

A world of noise, a world of pain,

It comes with such a cost.

It’s all on me to pay their price,

So shelter me, for I am lost.

The Mind

The Mind

Once there was a little girl,

Who’s life was overtaken.

Her body was a sarcrifice,

Her heart and soul forsaken.

She was a lovely little girl,

Her eyes the deepest brown.

But if you stopped and stared too long,

You’d cry for what you found.

For her eyes held a secret,

So chilling and so bare.

But nobody thought to see it,

Nobody seemed to care.

So slowly, but so surely,

She began to discover,

That her mind was her only friend.

It was working undercover.

Her mind, it made a shelter,

From the horror and the pain.

It kept her fears and worries hidden,

And didn’t let them show again.

Until she was a little older,

And the fears and worries surfaced.

Then everybody thought that she was

Crazy for no purpose.

She soon discovered the only way to freedom

Was to run away.

But her mind had other things on board,

Some other things at play.

The post traumatic stress kicked in

Around age twenty one.

It was only then that people saw

The damage that was done.

Her mind, it was a rollercoaster,

Of ups and downs and violence.

Her heart was now an open book,

That nobody could silence.

She struggled for a little while,

Then her mind began to clear.

She found that if she focused,

There was nothing left to fear.

She made a happy family,

A husband and two daughters.

Her mind was free and happy now,

Thanks to some inner forces.

And so she lived a few great years,

So full of hopes and dreams.

Before the dreaded illness came,

And ripped her at the seams.

Like a storm out of the blue,

The mental illness came.

It shook her world, her soul, her mind,

Things would never be the same.

The voices and the paranoia

Hit her like a wall.

They tore her down, discouraged her,

Till there was nothing left.

Well, almost nothing – but you see,

Her mind, it kept on going.

It kept some seeds of strength in store,

And kept them ever growing.

So now she lives from day to day,

Sometimes from week to week.

She takes life as it comes to her,

She doesn’t hide, she seeks.

She sees her life for what it is,

A life of sun and thunder.

And how she made it through it all?

Sometimes we have to wonder!

She’s come so far throughout her life,

Thanks to a steadfast mind.

A stronger person, full of love,

The world will never find.

So next time you are feeling down,

Or going round the bend,

Just think of this little girl and see –

It all works out in the end.

The Outside Toilet. A personal account - MAY TRIGGER -

An afternoon visit to the outside toilet.

I am a little girl.

I need to go to the toilet, but I hold it. I hold it as long as I possibly can.

He is at home, I know he will follow me. I don't need help - but he offers it - forces it - anyway.

He pulls down my pants and sits me on the toilet.

I do a wee, and it burns - like usual - I try to keep my face expressionless - but he sees my pain.